Do’s and Don’t’s for supporting new moms and parents.
Disclaimer: In this post, a “new mom” refers to anyone who is new to this adventure or is experiencing it again (i.e., multiple kids). Just like no two people are the same, no two kids are the same and no two parenting experiences are the same. Sometimes doing things again feels like the very first time.
There are many books out there specific to becoming a mother (i.e., physical body changes to anticipate, things to watch for regarding mood and emotional shifts, ways to track the growing babe inside, do’s and don’ts during pregnancy, how to prepare for bringing the baby home, how to sleep train and introduce food and socialize the babe, the list goes on…). Unfortunately, there are not so many resources on how to support and interact with new moms. Oftentimes we rely on personal experience or cultural norms to guide us. Sadly, as a society, we’re missing the mark. Big time.
Understanding The "Why"
A solid baseline indicator to help distinguish what to/not say when speaking to a new mom and parent is to ask yourself: why are you asking questions or stating observations? Is it to judge, to provide unsolicited advice, to be nosey? (Remember: impact over intent) Is it to encourage, to care, to support, to provide reassurance? Just like with many things, the why is incredibly important.
It's All About the New Mom
The transition to motherhood is about the mother; the transition to parenthood is about the parent. When folks ask questions or make observations that come from a selfish place, it no longer is about the mom/parent. How can we engage in conversation and learn from each other when we only listen to respond, to criticize, or to judge? Not to mention the transition to motherhood and parenthood is extremely vulnerable. You’re learning as you go. Truly no book or resource can prepare you perfectly for what it is like to become a parent. There are many lessons we learn along the way, and a reframe is that is the beauty of this parenting adventure. It’s called an adventure for a reason…
Be Mindful, Cognizant, and Watchful
So, when asking questions or making observations, be mindful of your word choice, cognizant of your motivation, and watchful of the person’s verbal and nonverbal responses. Perhaps there’s a way for you to feel helpful while validating a new mother’s vulnerability and creating a safe space for them to learn and grow without judgment. Validation can sound like: “Of course you are tired and feel like you can’t keep up; you have many responsibilities and aren’t getting much sleep” or, “I hear you when you say so much has changed, it really has.”
Trust the Relationship
Lastly, trust the relationship you have with the new mom. If you have a close, deep relationship, chances are they will tell you vulnerable things on their own. If you have a more surface, acquaintance-level relationship, perhaps keeping topics surface-level might be best, too.
Common Don't's & Do's
Common questions and statements new moms/parents receive:
- “You look exhausted…” Well, yes, no kidding!
- Instead, you might try: “Parenthood looks great on you!” (validating statement)
- “Is she a good baby?” Think about the words “good” and “bad;” what do they mean? What exactly do you want to know?
- Instead, you might try: “Is she sleeping through the night?” (more specific, less judgment)
- “Are you breastfeeding?” Be aware of the stigma and weight of this topic. Again, why do you want to know?
- Instead, you might try: “How are you feeling?”
- “You seem anxious/stressed…” Well, yes, no kidding!
- Instead, you might try: “Being a parent isn’t easy; you’re doing a great job!” (validating statement)
Support
Becoming a new mom requires self-care, support, courage and grace. For individual, couple/relationship, and group therapy inquiries, please reach out.
