Dr Samantha Miller

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New Moms: My Body Changed, My Life Changed, Who Am I?

Posted on by Dr Samantha Miller

The new “Mom” identity can be overwhelming, absolutely. Granting yourself permission and space for these feelings to flow makes the shift easier to bear.

So Many Feelings at Once

Becoming a mom can be an exciting time, a scary time, and an emotional time. Some changes are embraced and help make things feel “real,” while other changes are not so welcomed. Watching yourself (body, relationships, emotions, just to name a few) change is hard enough, then add the strong influences of social media, comparisons, your previous self and life. All of these external forces impact a new mom. Doubting your abilities and new identity is common. New moms frequently ask themselves, “Who am I?”

American culture focuses heavily on “perfection.” What is perfection? It is different for everyone, yet the theme is consistent – obtain quick fixes, achieve success fast, and only have “good” things happen to you. Well, unfortunately, this is far from reality. And reconciling that can be hard.

We Are Human

We experience “good” and “bad”, and the gradation between. In fact, the “gray zone “is where life happens. What’s there to experience if it’s not life in its purest form: the raw, the real, the vulnerable.

Becoming a mom and parent can be isolating and lonely. Sometimes it can be difficult to rely on yourself because when you look in the mirror, you are unsure who is looking back; your supports are busy with their lives or simply just do not get it; and you’re doing your very best to juggle your old life while melding your new identity. It can be easy to get lost in the mix, and you are not alone.

You Are Not Alone

Group therapy can be helpful for this type of life event and transition. Hearing from others who are experiencing similar things can provide support, reassurance, and new ways of viewing obstacles and successes, while also decreasing feelings of loneliness and isolation. Group therapy exists in a safe space, and invites vulnerability while rejecting judgment. Working in a group context provides a type of self-reflecting mirror that cannot be found anywhere else, which is why group therapy is so powerful.

Unfortunately (or fortunately!), many of the cliches are true: becoming a new mom requires self-care, support, courage and grace. For individual, couple/relationship, and group therapy inquiries, please reach out.

How to Talk to New Moms

Posted on by Dr Samantha Miller

Do’s and Don’t’s for supporting new moms and parents.

Disclaimer: In this post, a “new mom” refers to anyone who is new to this adventure or is experiencing it again (i.e., multiple kids). Just like no two people are the same, no two kids are the same and no two parenting experiences are the same. Sometimes doing things again feels like the very first time.

There are many books out there specific to becoming a mother (i.e., physical body changes to anticipate, things to watch for regarding mood and emotional shifts, ways to track the growing babe inside, do’s and don’ts during pregnancy, how to prepare for bringing the baby home, how to sleep train and introduce food and socialize the babe, the list goes on…). Unfortunately, there are not so many resources on how to support and interact with new moms. Oftentimes we rely on personal experience or cultural norms to guide us. Sadly, as a society, we’re missing the mark. Big time.

Understanding The "Why"

A solid baseline indicator to help distinguish what to/not say when speaking to a new mom and parent is to ask yourself: why are you asking questions or stating observations? Is it to judge, to provide unsolicited advice, to be nosey? (Remember: impact over intent) Is it to encourage, to care, to support, to provide reassurance? Just like with many things, the why is incredibly important.

It's All About the New Mom

The transition to motherhood is about the mother; the transition to parenthood is about the parent. When folks ask questions or make observations that come from a selfish place, it no longer is about the mom/parent. How can we engage in conversation and learn from each other when we only listen to respond, to criticize, or to judge? Not to mention the transition to motherhood and parenthood is extremely vulnerable. You’re learning as you go. Truly no book or resource can prepare you perfectly for what it is like to become a parent. There are many lessons we learn along the way, and a reframe is that is the beauty of this parenting adventure. It’s called an adventure for a reason…

Be Mindful, Cognizant, and Watchful

So, when asking questions or making observations, be mindful of your word choice, cognizant of your motivation, and watchful of the person’s verbal and nonverbal responses. Perhaps there’s a way for you to feel helpful while validating a new mother’s vulnerability and creating a safe space for them to learn and grow without judgment. Validation can sound like: “Of course you are tired and feel like you can’t keep up; you have many responsibilities and aren’t getting much sleep” or, “I hear you when you say so much has changed, it really has.”

Trust the Relationship

Lastly, trust the relationship you have with the new mom. If you have a close, deep relationship, chances are they will tell you vulnerable things on their own. If you have a more surface, acquaintance-level relationship, perhaps keeping topics surface-level might be best, too.

Common Don't's & Do's

Common questions and statements new moms/parents receive:

  • “You look exhausted…” Well, yes, no kidding!
    • Instead, you might try: “Parenthood looks great on you!” (validating statement)
  • “Is she a good baby?” Think about the words “good” and “bad;” what do they mean? What exactly do you want to know?
    • Instead, you might try: “Is she sleeping through the night?” (more specific, less judgment)
  • “Are you breastfeeding?” Be aware of the stigma and weight of this topic. Again, why do you want to know?
    • Instead, you might try: “How are you feeling?”
  • “You seem anxious/stressed…” Well, yes, no kidding!
    • Instead, you might try: “Being a parent isn’t easy; you’re doing a great job!” (validating statement)

Support

Becoming a new mom requires self-care, support, courage and grace. For individual, couple/relationship, and group therapy inquiries, please reach out.

6 Common Misconceptions About Therapy

Posted on by Dr Samantha Miller

Only the “weak,” “sick”, or “crazy” are in therapy. False!

The misconceptions about therapy are endless, often propagated by those who are afraid or unwilling to give therapy a chance. Below are six common misconceptions that I’ve been asked about lately, presenting as barriers to therapy.

Therapy is Easy

False! It is hard work, exhausting, and requires perseverance. This is why therapy is so rewarding! Some sessions are easier than others, and when they are hard, it doesn’t mean you are bad. If therapy was easy, wouldn’t everyone be doing it?!

Therapy is a "Quick-Fix"

False! Progress is gradual. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. Manage your expectations and allow yourself the space and grace for ah-ha moments as they come. Beginning therapy with a timeline is not setting yourself up for success. The therapy rollercoaster is an attraction we seek for the long-haul; when you’re nearing the end, you’ll know.

Therapy Isn't a Priority

False! The mind is part of the body; why is health and rehabilitation a priority when it is for the body, and not the mind. The mental health stigma is an obstacle. This stigma is perpetuated by an inaccessible mental health system that is inadequately regulated by insurance companies who do not understand mental health care and the patient-therapist relationship. This is one reason why many therapists do not take insurance, because attending an arbitrary amount of therapy sessions prescribed by an insurance company to “get fixed” is an undeliverable promise.

You'll Leave Every Session Feeling Better

False! This happens sometimes, and when it does, insert all positive emotions. When this doesn’t happen, there is often a lot to think about or pieces to put together or Pandora’s Box to unpack. If you do not leave every session feeling better, therapy is still working. In fact, therapy works the hardest between sessions.

Therapy is Just a Paid Friend

False! I mean, this makes sense why many people are hesitant to begin therapy, but this does not make sense as to why people continue to come to therapy. “Therapy is just a pricey venting session.” “Why should I pay for what I can get for free from my family and friends?” If you still feel this way after you begin therapy, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your relationship with your therapist. A friendship is two-way; therapist-patient relationships are mostly one-way.

Therapy Always Blames My Mother/Father

False! We uncover and process early, primary relationships because they often set the blueprint upon which we build future relationships. Understanding why we do what we do, see things the way we do, and think and behave the way we do is step one in self-awareness. Step one might come from our parents, but you’ve come to therapy to work through the blame, resentment, and stuck points. Therapy is the method in which we can accept ourselves (and others) as we (they) are, and live more desirable and satisfying lives.

The Big Question

Why sign-up for something that is hard, slow, and can sometimes leave you feeling awful? Because it’s worth it. Trust the process. Learning about yourself, challenging your firm beliefs, and building a support network that is affirming requires a non-judgmental, trained expert in psychology (psychologist) alongside a trained expert in yourself (patient).

For individual, couple/relationship, and group therapy inquiries, please reach out.

What is Psychotherapy?

Posted on by Dr Samantha Miller

Metaphorically, a rollercoaster.

Psychotherapy literally translates to treatment for the psyche (the human mind– conscious and unconscious). In colloquial language, this is referred to as “therapy.” Some believe that therapy is only reactive – “when things go wrong, go to therapy;” “when you can’t handle it, go to therapy;” “when you’ve tried everything else and are still failing, go to therapy.” Therapy can also be proactive. Oftentimes I tell folks who are interested in beginning therapy that it can be most beneficial when we’re not in crisis. When we are not in distress, we are able to engage with ourselves as-is, with a less combative mindset and a more accurate view-of-self. Because the human mind is not in a flight-fight-freeze-fawn state, it is easier to build trust and dive into the work with your therapist.

There are many methods of therapy: talk therapy, narrative therapy, art therapy, animal-assisted therapy, just to name a few. In my practice, I provide talk therapy, where two or more people sit in a safe space –virtual or in-person– and talk. This is also known as psychotherapy. By using a variety of treatment techniques learned through years of experience and completing the most extensive graduate training available in psychological theory, practice, and research, together, we’ll use a blend of metaphors, self-reflection, self-examination, and our relationship as a microcosm to view your world, relationships, and patterns of being. Some goals of this type of therapy are to help you gain a better understanding of your own emotions, identify roadblocks, process past and/or traumatic experiences, work on breaking unhealthy coping strategies, and move towards change.

Moving From Feeling Bizarre to Being Curious

At first, therapy can feel strange and uncomfortable. It is unlike any other non-therapeutic relationship you have ever experienced and will ever experience. It is mostly one-sided, the focus is on you. Social norms are checked at the door (i.e., a socially-appropriate “how are you” asked to your therapist might not get a common response), sessions might end abruptly, emotions might feel overwhelming, thoughts might feel unfinished. This experience does not last forever; overtime the discomfort shifts to familiarity. It’s all part of the process.

Up-and-Down

Much like a rollercoaster, therapy can ignite feelings of excitement or exhaustion. Sometimes you might leave feeling energized and refreshed, prepared to take on life, like you know yourself better, confident. Other times you might leave feeling confused, exhausted, unsure and disappointed, defeated. It’s all part of the process.

Side-to-Side

I frequently tell my patients that therapy can feel great and it can feel bad; it can feel fast and it can feel slow. Movement is what we strive for! If you feel stagnant, let’s revisit things. If you feel like you are regressing or progressing, it is movement so we need to trust the process. To quote the Disney character, Dory (Finding Nemo): “Just keep swimming.”

How Long Does Therapy Last?

There’s no right answer to this perplexing question, no one-size-fits-all. Therapy can last a few sessions, a few months or a few years. I find that many people come to therapy for one issue, and while working on that, the Pandora’s Box phenomenon occurs and we end up processing many other things that they may not have intended to bring up.

Therapy Can Be Proactive

Therapy is not just for the sick; therapy is for the healthy, too. People can get the most from therapy when they allow themselves the freedom and time-less constraints to explore what comes up in-the-moment, follow their thoughts instead of coming into session with an agenda, and permit themselves to be vulnerable about their thoughts, experience, and being.

For individual, couple/relationship, and group therapy inquiries, please reach out.

Activating Hope in the Face of Horror

Posted on by Dr Samantha Miller

The ABCD’s of Activating Hope: A female psychologist’s perspective a week after Roe vs Wade is overturned.

Roe vs Wade was overturned last Friday. We were given a heads-up, sort of, but the conclusive decision still came at a blow. The news was difficult to process, let alone also get through the day-to-day. Why are we expected to carry on as usual? We can’t be. This seismic decision alters every American’s life, leaving at least half of the population feeling defenseless and maybe even hopeless. I’m here to say it’s OK if you can’t muster up enough energy to give your all right now– give it your best and that will be enough.

I don’t attempt to give a peptalk or try to positively reframe a horrible thing. I’m here to share my hope. I was reminded by my patients this week that one doesn’t necessarily just have hope, but rather, one hopes. Hope is an active word, a verb (v). How do we turn this popular noun into a verb? I try to practice the ABCD’s of Activating Hope.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Be in your feelings. Feel them throughout your body. Name them. Accept them. Validate them. All emotions are appropriate and sensible! Big news = big emotions.

Anger, fear and sadness were among the first feelings I felt when I heard the news. My heart began to race (anger), my eyes swelled up with tears (sadness), and my thoughts could not be tamed (fear).

Breathe

It may sound silly, but here’s your friendly reminder to breathe. Inhale, exhale. Ground yourself.

I sat in the chair that held me, my feet flat on the ground and back upright against the chair, sweaty palms faced up on my thighs, and eyes closed as I breathed deeply and slowly. Once I noticed my inhales and exhales, I opened my eyes and named 5 things I could see, 4 things I could feel, 3 things I could hear, 2 things I could smell, and 1 thing I could taste. I was grounded in the present moment and a safe space.

Community

Being a part of something larger helps us feel safe, important, and connected. Check-in with your community: How are they doing? Share how you’re doing. Be gentle with each other; we all have feelings about this decision. You’re not alone in how you feel, and now is the time to confirm and corroborate those feelings.

It’s not just this decision, but it’s decisions past and decisions future. The fate of already marginalized communities only looks to be more controlled and inhibited by people who don’t understand them, and even more, fear them. Humans fear what we cannot understand, so we seek to control the unknown. History and social psychology tell us this is not a long-term solution. Community needs community; people need people. Turn to your family, friends, community, colleagues for love (v), support (v), hope (v).

Do Something

Here we are. A week later. The feelings are still here and now it’s time to HOPE. We vote, peacefully protest, donate, volunteer, educate ourselves and others on history and current events. However doing feels right to you, do it. Clearly Clinical provides Reproductive Justice Resources listing charitable organizations, reproductive care websites, and other helpful links.

We’ve been hoping fiercely and nonstop for the last 2.5 years. Decisions like this– made by authority, and seemingly void of empathy and compassion– alter everyone’s lives and leave us feeling powerless and unable to trust those who are supposed to protect and support us. Our hope is in overdrive and it’s exhausting. AND we can’t stop here.

Hope (v)

Hope is not a passive thing that comes and goes, depending on our environment. Hope is a verb that requires active attention: Acknowledge your feelings, Breathe, connect with your Community, and Do something. How will you practice the ABCD’s of Activating Hope in your life?